If Bars could talk...

Meet Murphy.

A goofy Border Collie mix who is currently the love of my life. Sure Murphy has a few annoying traits such as his obsession with squeaky toys, barking at small children, and having to first, smell and second, pee on every tree, bush, blade of grass or morsel of sand. It's. Beyond. Annoying.


I had a venting session recently with a friend, "J" on one of the more frustrating walks--


I asked her to explain it to me. She's a smart girl..."What is it about some dogs that makes them so OCD on walks? I don't get it. What, in our human lives, could possibly compare to this!?"


J gave it a good long thought and finally said: "You know...I think it's like being in a bar, surrounded by a bunch of attractive, single guys who are all interested in you... And your friends want to leave."


I gasped. (Genius!) No wonder he gives me the stink eye every time I pull him away! I vowed then and there to be a little nicer on my end of the leash. Lookin' out for you kid. ;)


Bars are a funny place. I don't think sociologists give them enough credit. If they spent a little time in there, I bet they could pull out some serious analysis on male/female interaction.

After all...dating IS kind of a jungle.
It's like Animal Planet with your clothes on.

One bar in particular comes to mind, it's right around the corner from where I live. Actually, it's more of a "club" and it's the epitome of "the scene." Who's Who crowd, dress code, over priced
drinks, music so loud that you can feel Kanye pumping through your veins.

And the bathroom.

Their bathroom is hilarious. The sink area has two-way mirrors so as you look up from washing your hands, you see a dude there checking you out. It's a trip. (My personal favorite is waving to first-timers on the other side who haven't caught on. Priceless.)


Per the usual, the girl's line is ridiculously long, only to look over and see, what? TWO guys waiting on the other side? So unfair. So you bunker down and plan to set up camp for awhile...and it's prime time to people watch.


The front door bursts open and some shorty gets knocked in the head, ruining her perfect little bouffant. Girls are bustling in, holding hands, mowing people down and trying to team up in the stalls. The only thing slower than a girl going to the bathroom, is TWO girls sharing one stall.


And my favorite- the girl in front of me squawks "Ohhmygawd I would tooootally be a model but I'm only 5'7"! Her friends all nod in approval. Yes. If only you were 2 inches higher, you're modeling career would be through the roof. Our loss.


I look across only to see guys waiting in a single file line, exchanging small talk, texting on their phones, and trying to find a way to check us out without us noticing.


And I can't help but laugh! I'm always amazed to see the differences between men and women, especially in the bar setting. (* I understand that this is an over-generalization. Just go with it.)

Most men go to bars for the following reasons:
1. Hang out with their buddies
2. To get laid


Women however, have an array of reasons:
1. Hang out with their friends
2. Dance!
3. Get their 2 hours of dancing cardio in so they don't feel guilty for drinking
4. Rock a new outfit
5. See if their Ex is there
6. See what their Ex's new girlfriend is wearing
7. See if their Ex's new girlfriend's Ex is there
8. Get a new Facebook profile picture ("Check us in!!!")
9. Find a husband

Whew. Exhausted.

Back to the age old question...Are we crazy? Or is it obvious by now: Men make us crazy. Men are streamlined- to the point- get 'er done. While women are busy multi-tasking their emotions.

One of my favorites:

"Men are Waffles. Lines, boundaries, categories. Work goes into one square. Love in another. Women are Pancakes. All mixed into one big bowl. Family, love, work. It's all one big vat of batter."

When I meet God one day I'm going to ask him why he made us so inherently different. There must be a shortage of comedy clubs in Heaven because this material is a GOLD MINE!