Question: Have you ever been on a first date and after telling the guy you're an only child, he wipes the terrified look off his face and says, "OH I've heard about you guys!"
I'm going to guess, "Probably not."
I'm going to guess, "Probably not."
I've always found the idea of the "only child" very interesting. But lately, I've been a little more self-reflective on how it makes me who I am, both personally and in dating.
Ever heard of a man by the name of G. Stanley Hall?
Me neither.
Well apparently he had quite a bit to say back in the early 1900s regarding child development and psychology. Mr. Hall was a pioneer in American psychology and in my opinion, just an angry man who needed a blog. You see, Mr. Hall researched the traits and quirks of only children back in the day, and turns out, he wasn't a big fan. He actually referred to the group as "a disease in itself."
Sounds to me like Mr. Hall got dumped by a cute, blonde, only child in middle school. She ruined him for life.
I'm (obviously) an only child and despite having always felt somewhat 'in the dark' when it comes to the relationship between siblings, I've learned to make it work for me. Correction. I've learned to disguise the horrified look on my face in watching siblings bicker over toys, clothes, the bathroom, boys, etc.
Recently, I had an 'epiphany-like moment' wherein I realized that while I've made the most of this 'only child life' thing by having very close relationships with my friends and my parents, Mr. Hall might have a point. I of course don't see my life as being anything close to 'disease like,' but others might.
Others?
Men. Mr. Hall, in the 1900s, was referring to men.
Men. Mr. Hall, in the 1900s, was referring to men.
And then my single self realized: Is it possible that the fate of my love life might be dangling on the fact that my parents chose "quality versus quantity?" (Their words, not mine). Could the behaviors that we learn as kids, but more specifically as only children, such as sharing, understanding personal space and balancing the attention of others make that much of a difference in the world of dating.
Being the product of a working, single mother (until I was seven) I was put in childcare at a very young age. I was thrown into a world where sharing was barter and easily making friends was a method for survival. Growing up, being an only child felt like some sort of secret society, now I just realize it's one big bullseye painted on my forehead. As a kid, people were jealous. You got your own bathroom and if you were lucky, didn't have to share the car. As an adult, it's quite a bit different. Former sibling rivalries are turning into loving, tight-knit relationships. All those years of conditioning, sharing, learning how to argue effectively and coping with criticism have finally paid off. Turns out, they're pretty lucky afterall.
Researching this topic has been really interesting: ranging everywhere from proving/debunking myths, understanding personality traits and analyzing relationships that are all product of these weird little creatures who, to the rest of the world, seem just a bit off. And as usual, the topic of dating has peeked my interest.
There are studies out there that prove your birth order can actually make or break the success of your realtionship. First born, middle child, youngest or only child. Everybody has a place in this world...some are just more compatible than others. According to this study, I am most compatible with the youngest male in a family with older sisters.
The male they've painted here sounds like a real gem. He seeks excitement and adventure in everything he does and most importantly, he understands women. He is drawn to the comfort of women and understands the importance of female empowerment. He sounds lovely. They should create a dating website based on birth order compatibility. Hmmm.
Naturally, I started thinking about my failed relationships. I've dated both a middle and the eldest, and both seem to have a commonality between them: How to put the "born" in stubborn. But it makes sense right? Kids with siblings HAVE to learn the language of criticism and teasing, how to argue, how to manipulate a situtation to get what they want...all things I've never quite gotten the hang of.
And then I realized it's true. Despite spending a chunk of my childhood in day care and therefore learning to share and haggle with others (because take it from me, they don't put up with sh*t in day care), and despite having had great female roommates from the ages of 18-24, I DO have to take into account that how I view relationships, space, fairness and attention come from an inherent characteristic of being an only child. And it's not just a matter of 'taking it into account', but also respecting the fact that there are certain things that will just come a little harder for me.
One day moving in with someone. Delegating. Sharing a closet, bathroom, money. Balancing my alone time. Sharing holidays. Sharing my family. It's very overwhelming.
And yet very intriguing...blog worthy even :)
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For further reading:
For further reading:
While having only one child has never been considered much of a 'trend,' it's starting to gain speed in the Western cultures (and no, this is not a political blog looking to discuss the child-restriction laws in China, so don't even go there).
Time Magazine actually did an article recently on how more and more families are choosing to raise only one child due to the economic pressures our society faces. It's a good read: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2002530,00.html
Time Magazine actually did an article recently on how more and more families are choosing to raise only one child due to the economic pressures our society faces. It's a good read: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2002530,00.html
Well dear, I didn't realize you were an only child. That explains a lot. I am too. And yes, being an only child does affect your romantic relationships. Over the course of two marriages I learned to share personal space, things, etc. with another human being, but not always graciously. Sharing turned out not to be insurmountable, but now that I'm single again, I have a hard time to even picture sharing my space on a permanent basis again.
ReplyDeleteCut to years later when my parents became old and sickly. No, there were no siblings there to help drive mom to the nursing home to visit dad after he had a stroke. There were no siblings there to help clean out mom and dad's house after they both died. But worst of all, after their deaths, there were no siblings there to help me remember my early history. No one was left to toss out the stories of funny, stupid or remarkable things I did at age 3 or 6 or 10 at social gatherings because the only people who did were now gone.
The drawback of being an only child is that it puts a lot of responsibility on one person. The positive spin is it actually makes you a more desirable partner since you know what it means to take responsibility. You know how to live life alone and don't count on other people to make you happy. No, I wouldn't trade having been an only child for anything.
And speaking of being raised with siblings, and your mention of loving, close knit brothers and sisters sharing good times together, let's cut to the ugly side. For instance when mom and dad pass away and all the kids are fighting over the remains of the estate. Now THAT's overwhelming.
Although it doesn't seem like it now, one of these days, and sooner than you think, you'll get your opportunity to share your life completely with someone else. And you'll be ready for it because of being an only child.